Many of us are guilty of throwing out negative comments that brings down a person’s confidence, even in moments where we think we're joking around or trying to uplift the mood. This usually is done to the people that we are familiar and most comfortable with where we’re less filtered. Some common phrases that we might say to each other are you're crazy, you’re being a wimp, man up, toughen up, stop being such as girl. While on the surface this might seem like it's unharmful it's layered with a certain level of toxicity that percolates throughout the group.
Think about the five people that you most associate with you become most like them and there's a common theme of taking jabs at each other where it may not seem like it's derogatory, more like it's trying to tough up the group up but it really kind of does the opposite. It kind of is embarrassing someone to not be a certain way, to feel guilty about how a person is. Eventually consistently hearing enough of this type of language chips away at a person's confidence and it feels like there's a pressure to live up to what the group is dishing out.
This could be a big reason why many people who have a hunger to go after big ideas find themselves alone because it is hard to relate to others. The right support is not there to carry the high amount of confidence that is needed to make things happen. Others who may not fully understand or see those ideas can in a way feel threatened by it and may take shots at the idea or the person to maybe hide some of their insecurities. Or it could be done at of caring, maybe they're trying to prevent a friend from experiencing a big letdown of going after something ambitious.
The verbal jabs limits us
Just think of if you come from a disadvantage economic background, there tends to be less hope that is floating around. The lack of money can put heavy restrictions on what a person can do from the simple things such as wanting to eat meats but unable to afford them, so they’ll just have something affordable or wanting to have a new pair of shoes because the current ones are falling apart but unable to get them.
And the more that this happens the more it starts to take over a person's thoughts. The limitation of money can affect a person’s mindset of well I don’t have enough money then I don’t have many options. This leads to I can’t have that.
If we look at parents that might be struggling financially it can affect them in the same manner which can trickle down to their kids. It is hard to fight this feeling off if what you see is what prevents you from getting or doing certain things. An example would be parents taking the kids grocery shopping or just shopping to get a essentials.
Maybe the kids want a certain cereal but the parents say we can't afford that we got to go with this instead or I want this toy but we can't afford that either. Hearing enough of this eventually is going to affect the way that a person thinks. It can get to the point of why bother asking if I’m not going to get it and then it becomes why bother even thinking about it because I haven’t gotten what I wanted. This crushes a person’s ambition.
Overcoming limitations with what can be done
We may not realize it or maybe we do but we find it so cumbersome or so tiring to correct it but the language that we use really determines where our focus is. Just look at the words that you use on a consistent basis and really take notice of if you say more of the word can't then the word can. If you happen to say the word can't a lot more than can then that's just a signal of being dictated by limitations.
The common language that we use is as simple as can't you be better; can't you find a way to make more money and when it's phrasing that way it's coming from a negative viewpoint already telling a person that they can't do it. Consistently using this word or phrasing things in this manner eventually leads to looking for the easy way out, the path of least resistance. It's looking for all the faults in things and even people. Looking for reasons why not to change. Eventually this leads to doing the same, being the same and keeping everyone around us the same. This provides comfort and a certain level of security that can be counted on.
But if you happen to use the word can a lot more, you're focused on finding solutions to figuring things out even if you might be lacking the knowledge or skill set. It gives an optimistic viewpoint that provides more energy and enthusiasm that can fuel a person to do great things. Obviously, this is going to be super beneficial in difficult and challenging circumstances because it's about finding a way to move past what's already happened.
Now there still might be some frustration that's being experienced but knowing how to manage that to where it's not a distraction that prevents you from overcoming what you're facing. It’s looking for all the reasons why things will work out. For some using this type of language comes natural to them but for others it can be intimidating or off putting.
If you find yourself using can't a lot more and want to incorporate can you just have to be intentional about it, where you emphasize using the word can when you speak. Consistently incorporating that word eventually is going to provide a little optimism and kind of lightens the load of what is ahead. It's still going to be difficult and challenging but you set your attitude towards the things that are within your control.
Focus on the great things
The great thing that we all have is that we can learn new behaviors. Simply trying to unlearn the behavior is difficult alone but what's going to be effective is if you can replace it with something else so obviously in a case like this where if the consistent words that are used are can't instead of stop using can’t just replace it with the word with what can be done, what can I do, what's in my control.
We should strive to build ourselves up and build up the people all around us. This reinforces all the great things about us where we're constantly focused on them and working on developing and strengthening them. So just emphasize all the great things that you do and that you see in others as well. Highlight it, praise it and eventually that becomes top of mind. Get away from only saying something when mistakes are made or when things go wrong. Now it's important not to brush mistakes under the rug but you got to be constructive in the things that you say in, the language that you use.
But when we're taking jabs at each other even if it's in a joking way where it's just simple as well that was a stupid mistake it really is layered into our thoughts that can make us think that on some level we’re stupid. Or if we just think about in a group setting if anybody within a group is slightly different others can make us feel inferior for not being like them.
If we just look at some common things like in school if someone is in the sixth grade yet they're on a fourth grade reading level others might put them down, call them out for not being like them. Or even amongst your buddies if everybody has a certain pair of sneakers or brand of clothes yet you don't it can make it feel like you're the outcast and maybe even feel like you're not worthy of being within the group simply by the derogatory comments that our peers make to us.
There seems to be this need that we all need to be uniform with each other, that we mirror the herd and if you don’t you are going to be exiled. It's almost like if you show any signs of being different that there's something wrong with you. This is part of that mentality of putting down others to make yourself feel good about yourself. Instead lets embrace each other for who we all are.
So if put peanut butter on your pancakes when everybody just puts maple syrup on them lets embrace that instead of ridicule it. Let's stop using the word that's weird or you're weird for doing that and instead let's replace it with a supportive curiosity of wow you do that, can you tell me more about why you put peanut butter on your pancakes. And this can start a great conversation that maybe you'll start to put peanut butter in your pancakes and find that you like it.
Final thoughts
Hopefully the goal is that we build each other up with the language that we use instead of trying to make ourselves feel good at the expense of others. It's understandable we want to have those friendly jokes with each other those people that we hold close with, but we got to realize that certain things that we say in a negative context can really affect how a person feels about themselves, views themselves and the more that that is said the more that it's just reinforcing the message.
Build momentum in the right direction and that starts with the language that we use to ourselves and to one another. It might be tempting to have a laugh at her own expense or at somebody else’s, but we got to reinforce the great things about ourselves. The jokes, all the put down, the smart aleck, remarks need to be kept in check because it ultimately can chip away at person belief in themselves.
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