Masculinity is generally defined as characteristics of men or boys. The common things when thought of masculinity are strength, toughness, dominance. These words are used to describe that manliness term. That the rougher you are, the more masculinity is associated with it. The word that is linked with it is testosterone, which is from a biological standpoint, a hormone that is found in both men and women and is involved in many parts of health and well-being.
But masculinity is such a very loose term and it's shaped by much of what we see culturally but also biologically. From a physical standpoint it's easy to see why masculinity is associated with what we see as a male because males do tend to be taller in stature with a little bit more broader shoulders than females but that alone does not mean that that signals strength. The biology of how we see males is loosely shaped and is then pigeonholed to make it identifiable and that is what we accept culturally. Where the common thinking is that the more masculine you are the better leader you are, that you're the primary breadwinner, head of the household, that what you say is as goes.
Masculinity serves a purpose that helps us survive where if there's a threat from a physical standpoint it does help us protect what we deem as valuable. So that general thinking of the man protects the family by earning the most money to take care of the wife and the kids or when things need to be repaired or there's an emergency the man will take care of it, or just even that primal instinct of if somebody threatens the family of the male in any way they're probably going to take it in their own hands in a physical form to fend off that threat. Like anything else, there's a balance that helps us make progress and when we're off balance there can be a tendency to hold us back. In this case it can be seen as the good side of masculinity that helps us protect when needed.
But we must remember that women are also masculine, it is not only a term used for men. When a man is seen as more masculine that is a good thing but when a woman or a girl is seen as masculine there tends to be a negative connotation with it, that they are not lady like. This signals conformity that men should do the rough and tough stuff things and women should do the dainty and delicate things. Culturally there's almost like an unwritten rule that men need to behave or are expected to behave a certain way and the same for women as well.
That the aggressiveness that men show is something that's almost applauded and when women show this, it is seen in a bad light. But this is so backwards thinking that restricts the progress that we can all make. Now obviously over the past 50 years we have progressed where it's not thought of as only men do this job or only men can do this, and women should stick to certain roles. But there still tends to be that general way of men taking a certain route and women taking a certain route. This is the type of masculinity that holds us back.
Higher masculinity
There's a certain level of testosterone needed for both men and women and too much can cause an imbalance in health. It affects mood that increases aggression, so there is a tendency to be a little more on edge where if the slightest thing is interpreted as a threat, it can cause some unnecessary tricky situations. The general thinking of more masculine means more strength can cause problems such as in a case where someone who is more aggressive will probably take feedback from school, work or peers in general as a threat that they must defend themselves where maybe somebody was making a suggestion to help them out.
This could be a simple suggestion of could you speak louder or clearer in the next presentation because those in the back could not hear well. Someone being told that who has a higher amount of aggression may yell back at them or pick a fight with that person who made the suggestion. They’ll probably feel attacked and not improve on what they need to so others can better understand them. This approach of shoot first and ask questions later can lead to a lot of frustration because of the inability to see things from an objective point of view.
Some people might covet this type of attention where they pride themselves on others not questioning them, so they'll give off more of that aggressive behavior to protect really what are insecurities. These insecurities might arise because they haven't been able to properly deal with some inconvenient truths where they could improve on or where they're lacking. The false sense of thinking that others respect them is mistaken for others fearing or just wanting to avoid an unnecessary blow up from what they see as an unreasonable person.
In dealing with things from a higher amount of masculinity there tends to be that brute force mentality of I'll just bulldoze my way through to make things happen to the way I want them to. This can cause a lot of destruction to the relationships that have been formed. People who may be able to help will be less willing to do so because of the nature that is taken. This signals a certain amount of unreasonableness that is going to push many intelligent, wise people away.
The only ones that will be left are those that are willing to conform and follow whatever is told to them. Ultimately this leads to becoming weak because of the want to have yes people all around them so they can feel good. People who only agree with whatever is said even if they know or think that what is being said is incorrect are a liability. When people operate with this false sense of correctness it leads to devastating results because no one is there to point out warning signals of the dangers that are ahead.
This just feeds the ego of needing to feel validated for how they carry themselves, needing to appear right in front of others. It really is predicated on having a certain set of followers to prop them up to make them feel good about themselves. But the reality is all those insecurities that are being covered up are just eroding things from the inside where when you're not right internally you're more prone to defending anything that comes near you. That it would be much better to ignore the underlying issues of what hurts instead of working to repair and improve things on a personal level.
Feeling comfortable internally
When you can truly be confident in who you are and what you stand for, what might seem threatening from others can better allow you to take that in as room for your own improvement. That it does not blind you from seeing things objectively. It takes a tremendous amount of humility and strength to recognize the things that you have done wrong, where you could have been better. This signals that you can get past your own bias and own up for your actions.
This is a characteristic of true strength because to build it, it involves experiencing discomfort to come out better for it. Both women and men display this, and it is time to stop dividing the lines on where women and men stand. We are not separate from each other like it is a team competing against one another, where the winner comes at the expense of the loser. We can be better together and for this to happen we need to break free from how women and men should behave or be seen.
It should not be seen where women are weak, and men are strong because both women and men have their weak moments and have their strong moments but that alone does not define us. A moment of weakness does not make you weak and a moment of strength does not make you strong, but it is an accumulation of how the moments were responded to and we can be ever changing.
Men can cry and that should not be seen as a weakness but as a place of processing what they're going through. This has been so stigmatized the common phrase of man up and don't cry cause real men don't cry only suffocates the person that they need to be and that leads person into what others expect of them. Everybody hurts and it is not a liability when you do.
It just means that you're human that it's OK to feel your emotions when you're feeling down and not need to put on a front to show that everything is OK. And when men do feel down in the dumps it's OK to be vulnerable to open up to others and talk about what you're going through. This does not make you any less of a man because a man is not only regulated to a symbol of toughness, but it is merely a term from a biological standpoint.
Making progress
How can we embrace this type of thinking where we have the freedom to be who we are and not trying to fit into what society tells us we need to be. It's a lot more acceptable now for a man to be a stay-at-home dad and the wife works but we need to make more progress beyond that. There is still the resistance to accepting change, and some will point to this is why society is falling apart or it's not like what it used to be and that is true things should change and not just remain the same.
Some could argue this is why we're not as tough as we used to be because we're babying the next generation, but we're showing a level of significant progress, so people do not feel suffocated. We have moved beyond the suffer in silence era. If tough means to just take crap all your life then maybe not being seen as tough by others is worth it. Should you care how others view your masculinity. In that old-school type of mentality where parents or elders in general would tell kids maybe even more so to the boys not to cry it's almost like teaching them to suppress what they're going through and then they just carry that on later in life.
The issues that they might be going through they'll just bury their head in the sand, ignore them and possibly have some sort of coping mechanism that is not going to help them work through it. Or maybe there is no coping mechanism to help them and instead are only suppressing themselves slowly eroding at who they really are. A common thing men do when the feel suffocated but want to live up to the common view of masculinity is to numb their pain through various things, like indulging in excessive amounts alcohol or being with different women. This suppresses the pain for a little while but will continue to experience the pain.
Feeling emasculated
The work culture tends to be masculine as many men dominate these organizations especially at the management level. To be successful in these organizations being assertive and highly competitive seems to be what is needed. Giving off that impenetrable shield signifies to other people how tough they are that automatically warrants respect from everybody else. The higher you are in the hierarchy of your organization the thicker that shield looks to everybody else. In a way this is what others who work for that organization feel that they have the power over them because they're the ones that make the decisions.
It could lead to people feeling inferior based on where they are in the totem pole of their workplace. Some people with great suggestions are not listened to simply because of the lack of title that they carry where they say why are they going to listen to a nobody like me. When this does happen it only breeds a club of exclusiveness where only a select few are worthy of contributing and everybody else outside of that circle or that club are not valid and are only there to carry out the instructions of those that make the decisions.
This can lead to people feeling emasculated where they don't feel that they have the power to do anything to contribute. That they feel weaker because they've been deprived of the feeling that they make a difference. While yes, they do make a difference in the workplace because they're the ones that actually take the action to make things happen, they still don't get the sense of that. Their belief has been stripped because of that hierarchy of dominance that has been ingrained into many workplaces.
Over the last many years there has been a concentrated effort on being more inclusive, but things are still run by the dominance factor. Where many view it as I must do exactly as the boss says or face the repercussions of what they see as insubordination. That if you disrespect the boss in any way, that you challenge their masculinity. This is where many of the problems lie in that it's not so much the person who is challenging the boss is doing it to emasculate them but to help to point out something that the organization can be better for, but it's instead predicated on that insecurity that was touched.
Where if the boss is driven by that insecurity, then they must reassert control over their subordinates because they fear that in a way the inmates are going to be running the prison. If bosses and leaders of these organizations, see it or run it in that type of manner then it becomes about dominance instead of a partnership. Where dominance is predicated on do as you're told without thinking about it, viewing people as in output of an organization of how much they can get done to earn their keep.
When it becomes about a partnership it's based on a level of cohesiveness that strengthens trust between all those involved. That toxic form of masculinity can be threatened by a partnership like this. But that masculinity can be leveraged to recognize, you know what maybe we can be better in this type of manner where it is more relationship based instead of just a select few having power over the masses. If leaders of these workplaces adopt this then, they can help and serve the people that they lead. People will respond with greater energy because they will operate with a sense of purpose instead of a sense of obligation. But sadly, the work week is viewed as dreading Mondays and longing for Friday afternoons because the weekend is all that we're working for.
This is such a depressive state because five days out of the week we're spending more time working and if that work or workplace is what is dreaded then way more time is being spent in miserable state and the weekend is used to forget what happened during the week or to recover from it. This leads to not enjoying the weekends which is why many people say that the weekend went by so fast, maybe they only started to get in the rhythm of enjoying it on a Sunday afternoon.
Insecurities
The toxic form of masculinity are insecurities that are covered up by certain things to make up for them. These common things of having more can be used to show people of how great or strong they are so they can convince themselves of it. That if others tell them it, then they’ll believe it. For some there might be a greater emphasis put on making a massive amount of money to signify how much power they have or having more material possessions might in a way compensate for those things that they might be insecure about. It could be that the more people that they have influence is what props their ego.
But no matter how much they amass in whatever their pursuit is, those insecurities are always going to be present that stings when that you're brought up in some sort of manner. This might in large part be because of the upbringing of what it means to be masculine. That many look up to those of significant wealth because it just means more and more can be seen as a high level of respect. It becomes about your worth is based on an actual dollar amount. We're social creatures that need and want to be accepted by our peers, maybe not all of them but at least a few, so if our peers all think in a certain manner then we want to be accepted and will do so by aligning to what they value.
It's understandable we all do not intend to be lonely but sometimes that's the price that we got to pay to find that right fit for us. When you can start to work on addressing those insecurities, that truly signifies a place of strength where you're coming from because you have the courage to work through that uncomfortableness. It can hurt to say you know what, I am sensitive about how I talk, how I walk, how I look, how others respond to me, what I’ve done. Being willing to be honest with yourself lets that guard down so each time it stings to visit certain topics, it hurts a little less and little less to the point where it might no longer become an insecurity. Taking care of these types of things allows us to let go of needing to cover things up because we are secure in who we are.
There is a tendency amongst men that these types of things that they're going through are not readily accepted to be talked about amongst men. The constant poking and prodding making fun of their manliness for feeling down makes it difficult to even acknowledge those hard times that they might be going through. The common phrase of you're a wimp or stop being such a sissy only make us feel rejected. Where we start to question what's wrong with me then maybe I'm not who I thought I was, and this can feel very lonely.
Where it's OK for women to open up about their insecurities and vulnerabilities but it's not OK for men to do so. And when women do this, it does not mean they're weak, this just means that they're proactive in their self-care and we need to do the same for men in need or better yet being proactive before it is needed. That men need to be listened to for the concerns they have. If not, then it feels like they’re carrying the weight all by themselves and eventually they’ll become tired that can lead to them falling and getting crushed by it.
Final thoughts
Let’s let go of seeing masculinity as a male only thing and instead see it as reassurance of being comfortable in who we are. Both women and men are masculine, but we must be careful that it does not become toxic. There is no need to feel superior to anyone because that only feeds the ego that covers up insecurities and instead leverage its strength to work for you. In those times that you're challenged use it to build your confidence that you can overcome what you're facing. Masculinity can propel us forward if managed properly where we say you know what I can do this.
It is not a simple definition that is universal for everyone so take the time to define what masculinity is to you and how it can empower you. Yelling and being abrasive does not signal strength alone but sometimes in being restrained from giving in to the things that upset you are a true sign of power. Just because you can does not mean you should. It is about using your power only when necessary, not simply to prove a point. Pride generates disgrace, humility generates wisdom. Use the power you have for a greater good not just to flex it in front of others. It's about moving beyond gender conformity.
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