When it comes to communicating with others and with ourselves, it's crucial that we do so in a manner that is clear of what we want to convey. Those things that we have in our mind make so much sense but when it comes to actually speaking it out there's many things that are assumed or left out that can prove crucial to how we're trying to communicate. Communicating effectively can prove to be the difference in how we experience things because it involves the ability to listen attentively and send out the right information.
The better each is done, the better the experience will be. Improving the way we communicate further builds that confidence. It is the pathway for how we express how we feel, the things we are going through, the ideas that we want to convey to ourselves, to others, or just instructions on how to do things in general. It is a way to understand and build trust. The better we can communicate the better we can understand what is going on, that further strengthens the trust.
At times we can become frustrated with others when the message is not being received well and this comes from when how we have it in our head it does not actually play out that way. But this frustration that we experience really comes down to our own selves because we haven't been able to express what exactly we want. Sometimes we don't know ourselves what it is exactly that is. Where that abstract thing or idea that you're envisioning is not coming together which can be maddening because you have this urge to want to express it.
The next time that you find yourself in a situation where that frustration is being directed to others because of the lack of understanding of what you want, just stop and look to see how you can better communicate what you want. If we really reflect on how we're communicating, we'll find that there are many gaps and loose ends that do not clearly identify what needs to be done.
I could say something as simple as I need you to be more supportive of me. That could mean so many different things to the person I'm telling that to, but if I clearly identify what it means to be supportive then I set the expectations of what that is. It could be reframed it as I need you to be more supportive of me when things go wrong to help me find a solution instead of bashing me for the situation I find myself in. When I don’t have your support, I become defense against you but when I do have your support, I become more relaxed and willing figure a way out of what I am facing.
If left to assumptions the person who I say I need support from could take it as saying nothing is helpful when things go wrong, or they could think that the bashing I am receiving is helping me learn my lesson. We got to understand that everybody has their own unique perspective and where they're coming from is different from where you are so we’re not seeing things in the same way. How you interpret things on an individual basis is going to be different than the next person, so we must be aware of that and find how to communicate effectively.
Use clear words and not just imply things
We all communicate with ourselves and with each other constantly with the words that we use, the behaviors that we display and the actions that we take. There are many times where we think that the behaviors and the actions that we take are enough for others to understand where we're coming from. But really, it’s not enough, others might pick up to understand that you're in a happy mood by the smile that you show so you're more approachable or that you're having a lousy day because of the sour face that you have so you're less willing to want to talk with others and people will stay away.
What if that lousy day maybe you don't want to be left alone and you need somebody to talk to, others are not going to understand that because they're going to interpret it as this person needs their space to process what they're going through. When we can clearly communicate with the words we say of what we're going through or what we need or want, we ensure that we are better understood.
Take the example of placing your order at a sit-down restaurant and you order a steak the waitress or waiter is going to ask how would you like your steak, rare, medium, or well? They want to ensure that the food is to your liking. If you don't tell them exactly how you want it but then are not satisfied with the meal or possibly the server or kitchen staff, you tend to become frustrated, most likely leading to a bad impression of the restaurant.
If you happen to find yourself in that type of situation it can feel quite silly because not knowing what exactly was wanted so how can you become mad at everybody else when you were not clear. It is in our nature to put that anger somewhere that is not at our own selves. We must remind ourselves to recognize when we were not clear and say that was on me. Taking on the responsibility of where you lacked in communication helps you realize how to be better the next time. If you deny it, then you’ll continue to be in the same situation as before.
Know what information is relevant and what is not
One of the first things is we got to know exactly how to express ourselves with our words. Sometimes we find ourselves in the situation where we're providing too little information that doesn't give us enough to act on or it's too much information where we come bogged down with so much to process and then we lose sight of what exactly we need to do. A couple of things to ask yourself is what information is crucial to what I want to convey and what information is just totally unnecessary. This helps to speed up things getting to the point right into it without all the distracting story lines. This is important so the topic at hand is not veering off into all of these different tangents that makes you lose focus of what you're really trying to say.
If that happens then there comes the moments of saying or thinking, where was I going with this, where you lose your train of thought, and it becomes so much more difficult to get back to where you need to be. Now this is good for just fun storytelling but when it comes to actionable information that needs to be communicated, clear and straight to the point is what is effective. This signals to the person which could be just yourself or somebody you're speaking to of those words that you do say carry a lot more meaning than a bunch of words that don’t say very much.
When you identify those things that do not contribute to what you are trying to describe, you can better focus your energy on what you want to communicate. This is especially true if you're speaking to somebody who doesn't see the day-to-day things that you do where you're coming from a different viewpoint than they are. If you look at similar groups like kids speaking to other kids or adults speaking to other adults, they have a better chance of communicating effectively with each other because they're coming from a similar viewpoint.
But if we go a little bit further and have an architect communicate with a neurobiologist about the projects they each are working on, there's probably going to be some lack of understanding between the two because of the different viewpoints that they see things from. Where if there's miscommunication, the assumption on both ends could be that architects make no sense or neurobiologists are full of themselves. It could be that they're just speaking in different languages that make sense to them.
Delivery of the message
Another component that affects communications is how you deliver the message, which can be just as important as the message itself. If the message that you are communicating is clear and transparent it can be off putting if delivered in a certain way. The more conviction that we have there does tend to be a bit more direct and resoluteness to how we say our words.
This can come off as abrasive and aloof where others may not be as receptive to what was said. It might trigger that defensiveness where they're more likely to see you in a threat full manner even though you might not see it that way. Maybe this approach works if you want it to be taken more seriously which is understandable, we want to be listened to and sometimes taking that strong, dominant stance might work.
It could also have the opposite effect where it pushes people away from you especially if you're communicating with somebody that already takes you seriously, this can come off as unnecessary. Where you could come off yelling the things that you're trying to say but the message can get lost because people are taken back by the shear anger that you might be displaying and if you do this enough times, eventually people are going to tune you out because of it.
They're going to see it as everything is a fire drill to this person and it is going to damage credibility because it gives the impression of an inability to properly assess the situation, making it feel over the top, making things bigger than what they actually are. Something as simple as cutting your hand can be overblown where it might be seen as life threatening.
Or it could be quite the opposite where if what you're saying comes off as very timid and shy it can signal a bit of not sure of yourself of what you want. Where others feel that it's coming from a place that is lacking confidence which makes them less confident or confused. Maybe you're aware of wanting to avoid coming off as abrasive and dominate to not get people to bend to what you want them to do and instead you want to come off as approachable so taking that non-threatening route might seem like a good way to communicate.
This could be a situation where urgency is needed such as leading a team during turbulent times and what is needed is a reassuring message that inspires confidence that it will be overcome. A calm, reassuring tone would work great as it shows composure that signals, we can handle this well.
So how the message is delivered is also a delicate balance of finding that happy medium in between where it's not coming off so demanding, treating everything like an emergency but not so in a way where it does not inspire a compelling tone to what is being said. Look to see where you can improve in this area because this largely goes unnoticed. Yes, our personality is going to influence how we say things but we got to be conscious of knowing when the message needs to be ratcheted up with a little bit more emphasis and when it needs to be dialed back so you can maintain that credibility.
Show exactly what you want
Sometimes just saying what you want is not enough to properly communicate what it is you need. It might take a display of actions, showing how you want things done for it to be properly received. If we talk about certain things like leadership, it's more than just catchy slogans and phrases that are placed on walls or just talked about. These types of things must be displayed in our everyday lives because if we want great leaders, we need to be them ourselves and display those characteristics.
Would you want a leader cutting corners taking the easy way out? If not, you got to make sure you're doing the same thing as well. Those things like wanting your leaders or people in general to be accountable, you need to be accountable yourself too so when you mess up or make mistakes, own up to them and say yeah that was on me, I just did not execute I need to be better.
When you can show this and live this to the people all around you are effectively communicating beyond just your words. You're communicating with your behaviors and your actions; you're showing that you're living it. Sometimes it's just not enough of the words that were said. If you want others to produce great results you got to show them how to do that by putting in the necessary work and beyond to signal what it takes.
It's so easy to say oh you got to work hard to meet those great expectations but the better thing to do is to actually show them the way. So those words that you say you got to show it in how you carry yourself because how can we expect others to know what we want if we're not doing it ourselves. People emulate the things that they see more than just the words that are said. Make sure your words and actions are aligned to drive home the point.
Listen well
Another component of communicating is how well we can listen. The ability to take in the information that someone else is telling us is very important so that we can better come to understand them. Without that ability to listen to the person on the other end who is communicating with you, they are not going to trust you as much. When that trust is not there there's a tendency to pull back on how willing they are.
When we can truly listen effectively and try to understand where they're coming from, you give yourself a better chance of comprehending the message. Because we're not seeing things from their perspective it takes a little bit of time to wrap our minds around how they're viewing things. In the process what we come to find out when we truly take the time to listen is that we come out better for it because it gives us the chance to take in information that we may have not yet been exposed to.
This gives us the ability to be more understanding and better equipped to think things through instead of just responding to make ourselves feel good. We all want to be understood but we first must be willing to listen to understand others so they can do the same. This lays the foundation for being willing to delay reactions so that emotions are not the driver of how we operate.
There is a difference between hearing and listening where hearing is involuntary, and listening is voluntary. Hearing is passively taking in the sounds and is prone to taking in what you want and this is helpful when if you are doing something in the house, concentrated at the task at hand you might hear the dog barking which could signal to you that someone is approaching and you can get ready to see if it is someone that is welcomed or a potential stranger up to no good. Hearing helps be aware of our surroundings while still being able to do other things.
Listening is an active and intentional process that involves making sense of the words and sounds that you hear and helps develop curiosity of other people’s experiences that increases connection. Part of listening is your physical form where your eyes and body are positioned at the person who is speaking as this signals that your attention is on them. When this is aligned you have a better chance of understanding what is going on and physically show your genuine support for that person. That can strengthen the relationships you have that leads to better overall experiences.
The lack of listening creates tension and makes it difficult to resolve conflicts. It can make others feel devalued where they are not being taken seriously. This might sound a bit silly but it's not a given that we know how to listen well, and we must teach ourselves how to do that properly. It might seem like a very natural thing to be a good listener but sometimes we listen or think we're listening and only hearing as we're trying to come up with a response to what the person is saying to us.
There are times where we might just have so many distractions that are occupying our attention and to help overcome this find a way minimize those distractions. Or we just might not be interested in what's being talked about, if that is the case then maybe it is a good idea to check your values and see they align, if not then consider what type of connection and relationship are important to you and what kind of communication you want to have.
Now, not every time we listen is going to compel us to be fully interested but at least make the effort especially for those people that you truly care about. They too will find the things you talk about uninteresting, but they are willing to listen because they care about you. Repay them in the same manner.
Final thoughts
In the end, effectively communicating requires focus, a great amount of energy to express yourself properly but also a great amount of energy to listen properly. When we can clearly identify those things that we want to say and those things that we need to pay attention to when others are communicating, we ensure that there is a better understanding between those involved. Each one of our viewpoints makes it difficult to get within reach of each other so when we can properly convey what we are thinking, we close those gaps to get better aligned.
The more concise and in rhythm we can be with our words, behaviors, and actions, the better we can communicate. We become more transparent that signals trust and approachability that will enhance our lives. It can truly transform who we are because we break free from the frustrations that hold us back. The words and physical cues are the drivers of what we want. Use them effectively to enhance your life.
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