Asking the Right Questions

The purpose of asking questions is to get more information. We ask because we want to understand more. Many times, we are more concerned with getting an answer than asking the right question. But have you wondered if the question is more important. Asking the right question is a powerful tool because it can reframe your thinking to unlock value for what is not seen. A common answer many people want to know is how to become successful and possible answers could be outwork your competition. But is that really the right question? Should the question be what do you define success as? Because once you can define your success, you’ll figure out how to make it happen. For some, success lies outside of the traditional confines of stable, secure job with a nice house and car.

The Benefits

Asking the right questions can bring clarity as it narrows the focus of what is relatable to you. The information gathered can give you specific results to make a good decision. Similar to an online search engine, the right question will narrow the results that will serve you better. If you are looking for a specific type of supplemental vitamin such as one with iron, the results will shift through all the irrelevant ones so you can clearly see what you need. It will allow you to evaluate the more important details such as how much dosage of iron would suit you instead of being overwhelmed with the many options of different vitamins. With clarity, it helps you to focus more like a laser and less like a flashlight that results in higher performance and progress in whatever you do.

It expands your thinking that will make you want to learn more and sparks creativity. When you find relevant information, it registers in how useful it can be and propel you forward to want to gain more. You no longer are bound by limitations because your initiative leads you forward instead of waiting for information. This is what so many successful inventors and entrepreneurs display, the ability to know what to ask that leads to innovation that improve the quality of our lives. It also serves as a warning of potential risk that may go unnoticed if the right questions are not asked. Just like many people who have an allergen to peanuts, they’ll ask if food they potentially might eat has any to avoid complications. Although risks cannot be completely eliminated, they provide you with valuable information to help you make a good decision.

More opportunities become available simply by asking. Most people do not know what you want but once you start asking them, you might be surprised how willing they are to share information or at least connect you with someone who can. Steve Jobs, at 12-years old called Bill Hewlett who was the CEO of HP at the time and asked for spare parts to build a frequency counter. Bill laughed and gave Steve the parts and also a job on the assembly line for the summer. Steve has said that asking is what separates the people who do things from those who don’t and because this moment, he will pay it forward and be responsive to those that ask him.

Your interpersonal bond with the person you are asking improves that can form into relationships. Many successful people in sales form relationships with their clients to earn their trust and not come off as pushy or abrasive. The more questions that are asked the more people are willing to open up. It gives the impression that you are interested in what the person has to say and value them. This leads to conversation that feels less like an interview and strengthens your communication skills. Naturally, you become more approachable, and people will be more than willing to share what they have to offer.

Why it is hard to ask the right questions

We have been conditioned to follow instructions from our parents and school starting from a young age and this comes with good reason to protect us from harm. Certain things like following instructions of properly brushing your teeth are said so you can have good oral health that can prevent issues from occurring. Questioning can sometimes be seen as disobedience or annoyance to the person the question is being asked, so we may suppress the want to ask to avoid a conflict. They may feel it threatens their authority and can be defensive about it that can deter you from asking questions in general going forward.

The day-to-day busyness in our lives can leave us drained and avoiding asking questions. It requires energy to think and ask. After a long day, how many people are willing to ask if they drank enough water. Most people don’t care, they want to unwind, relax, and have a comforting drink. The hectic things that take up you attention make it more difficult to find the time to ask the right questions.

Sometimes asking the right questions can be uncomfortable for both you and the person. Maybe you don’t want to ask someone what might seem like a silly question, or you don’t want to make them feel like they are being interrogated. Even asking yourself the right questions can be unnerving because could reveal things that might hurt. Asking yourself things like what you fear or what defines you can be unsettling because the ego does not want to acknowledge it. But what is really dreaded about asking questions is the fear of being rejected. It’s a feeling that stings and resonates to remind us of how much it hurts so it is safe simply not to ask.

Asking the right questions has not been taught enough so it makes it difficult to make it a habit. If you really think about when has anyone ever showed you how to ask the right questions. In school, teachers encourage you to ask questions but not how and which types to be effective for the person wanting more information. Professionals like doctors and journalists are taught how to ask questions which are a vital part of their work, and we should learn how to as well. Since we have mostly been conditioned to follow orders, we tend to wait for instruction on what to do. This results in hesitation that leads to inaction and feeling stuck in place. When you feel stuck, you tend to become frustrated.

Becoming better at asking questions

To become better anything, you must gain repetition. Practice consistently listening to great questions from keenly observing people and asking questions that will give you valuable information that is applicable. Notice what makes great questions such as when it should be specific, opened ended, when to ask follow-up ones. Know that in getting better, it is a process so the beginning it will be refining questions that fit your needs. Be patient with yourself and avoid being critical in saying things like “what a stupid question”. Write out questions to help you really think it out.

Continuously learn something new especially if it’s completely unfamiliar as you will gain more perspective. This forces you to slow down and think about what fundamental things you need to know to gain an understanding. Many times, when you are familiar with something for so long, your curiosity may peak that leads to going through the motions. But once you start learning more new things, there are concepts that can be applicable to what you are familiar with and build on it. One excellent example is Martine Rothblatt who earned her master’s degree in business administration, earned a law degree, invented co-founded Sirius XM radio, responsible for developing the lifesaving drug Orenitram to treat pulmonary arterial hypertension, and is currently making breakthrough in artificial intelligence. All the different things she accomplished started with asking the right questions that helped her see the various possibilities.

Take the time to remain in silence to ponder your thoughts and removing distractions. Aim to get your thinking clean and simple which allows your mind to unfold the layers of your thoughts. Studies have shown that the average human has 6,200 thoughts per day, 3 hours-worth of daily distractions and takes about 23 minutes to refocus from each distraction. You probably have those moments where you had a great sequence of thoughts only to get interrupting by someone or something. Getting your thinking clean and simple can actually be difficult but once you do, you access more of your potential.

While you may have the right questions, understand the proper timing and tone. When and how you ask them will affect the response. When asking someone a question, identify when an optimal time is. Usually when the other person is in a good mood you tend to get a thoughtful response such as on a calm day, right after lunch or prior to an exciting event. The tone used is also key because it will determine how much or if any response you get. Being demanding about wanting a response will make the person defensive about. Use a calm, positive tone to set a relaxed environment.

Questions to consider

To Self

What validates me?

What beliefs do I have that empower me?

What beliefs do I have that limit me?

Who/what brings out the best in me?

Who/what brings out the worst in me?

How do I handle failure?

What are my needs and wants? How do they differ from each other?

What is my purpose in life?

To Others

What is the biggest life lesson you learned?

What experience would you recommend that will enhance my life?

What books would you recommend I read and why?

Who has been the greatest influence in your life?

What is your purpose in life and how did you find it?

How do you handle your struggles in life?

How have you changed over the years?

What is your biggest asset that cannot be taken from you?

When is the right time to walk away from things?

Most of the answers you are looking for are actually right in front of you, you just need to ask the right questions to find them. Remember, if you don’t ask, you won’t get. Often, we are so quick to overlook the important things that we end up further from the right the questions. Make the time to think about what information you really need and ask for it. The more you do, the more things will happen for you.