Most people know failure as showing up in people's lives as being unsuccessful, that they've fallen short of the goal that they were striving for. It tends be to viewed as something that should be avoided because when people come to experience failure they tend to feel deflated, disappointed, frustrated and sometimes feeling not good enough. That their time and energy was spent trying to achieve a certain outcome and they didn't get it so they might feel that their time was wasted. If people come to view failure as something painful that needs to be avoided, they'll be more hesitant to take any action that's going to prevent them from making progress in their life. In extreme cases they might live their life to avoid it.
Let’s clarify some misconceptions about how failure is viewed, interpreted, and experienced. It starts with the letter F and tends to be associated with school, that it represents the lowest grade possible and for some that F is more painful than an incomplete because an incomplete at least gives you the indication that you didn't even put your best effort. You may want to show your teachers, your peers and your parents that you are not a failure because if they do, then you might start to see yourself in not such a great light. That if they see you that way then you'll start to see yourself that way as well. And this can negatively affect your confidence within yourself.
Failure comes into people's lives as a learning opportunity, to understand how they could have done things better in their execution, their strategy, their preparation. But also, so they can learn how to better handle their emotions. The goal of failure is not to put you down, to make you feel bad about yourself but for you to recognize those areas that you fell short so you can understand how to correct it, be stronger and ultimately be better from it. And yes, the immediate reaction to when it happens is that it stings. See failure as a steppingstone that gets you across uncharted waters.
All or nothing
Many people have been conditioned to view failure as a bad thing and it shows really in everything that they do whether it's in school, the workplace, in sports, or society in general. Each of these areas of people's lives have a standard or a goal that they're continuously striving for and when they fall short of it the natural tendency is to say I failed. For the most part it's been oversimplified, making it black or white, pass or fail, that there is no room in between to see the growth and the progress that people have made.
Look at sports for example, this is such a great reference to draw from where most people are fixated on their own team and if they don't win the ultimate game which is usually their championship that their season is seen as a failure. What gets lost throughout the season is that it's filled with highs and lows of the emotions that they experience, and people become too focused on just the result and not the journey along the way. What happens throughout the season is actually a lot of great growth in periods that occur in different points, but because it tends to not be emphasized it largely goes unnoticed.
The way certain players might struggle early in the season and later pick up their performance because suddenly things clicked for them or that they were making gradual progress early on and it snowballed into results that propelled them forward. Or the way that the team builds chemistry that allows them to play for each other that translates into the tangible things like more wins. This is what needs to get emphasized because it is what leads to results eventually. The consistent best effort each time is what largely goes unnoticed. This is the key to making things work.
The glitz and the glamour are what people gravitate towards because it makes other people notice them. So, in essence people have been conditioned for the things that get them attention. All humans need to be recognized because it makes them feel heard and wanted but, in this case, it goes at the expense of who you are to what can you do for everybody else. Many people want to only see the show, but they don’t want to see all the behind-the-scenes work that it takes to make it happen.
Avoiding failure is about appearance
The result of this is that people are further being conditioned to focus on outward appearance to show how strong and successful they are at what they do. And this can lead to the mentality of winning at all costs where you'll do whatever it takes to win to be successful and it can compromise the values that you ultimately hold. The more people come to focus on that outward appearance the more they lose sight of their inward selves, and they live more to appease others than to satisfy their own selves. People who live like this might sacrifice their happiness and their enjoyment of life simply to meet the expectations of others.
A great example is there are many people who are good at something, and they do it mainly because of that, even if they don’t enjoy it. That they would rather suffer in silence than risk doing something they longed for because there is the uncertainty that it may experience failure. But there is also the situation where the threat of being replaced, if you don't meet those expectations just further ingrains that survival instinct within people that stimulates them way more by what is negative and this causes people to look for what can go wrong and forget about it all the positive things around them.
In some cases, the threat of being replaced by not meeting expectations comes from expectations that are monumental and even outrageous for the time they are given. If you do happen to be replaced for not meeting ridiculous expectations, then failure in the eyes of the people who replaced you is probably going to benefit you because it's going to help you move on to something better.
Ask yourself, do you really want to be in an environment that does not value your growth. Sometimes failure is doing you a favor by getting you into a better position. It’s there to bring you a different perspective that not all is lost. While something like a forest fire might be seen as a bad event, the result of a fire is it clears large vegetation that allows for new life to begin and thrive which they would have a hard time establishing with large vegetation overshadowing them.
Value your growth
It can prove very crucial to a business operating when failure occurs. Many people's natural reaction to a situation where it can affect the business to the point of whether they exist or not is one of fear. But in a moment like this, people involved should to look inward to really see where they came up short, why did they come up short, and what can be done in that moment to correct the situation or at least minimize it. Once people can start to do that, it in a way takes some of that shock that they may experience when failure arrives for that teaching moment. Then after that, people need to start looking at how did they grow from that situation and maybe it's not the point that led to them falling short but it's how they chose to respond to that situation because there's great growth that comes from how you choose to bounce back from failure.
If you look at people like Henry Hines who had a failed business that almost landed him in jail because of the debt that he owed, he was able to bounce back from that to start up Heinz Company that sold ketchup on a massive scale. But ultimately, to condition people to value growth start to embrace failure from a young age and this is going to have to come from parents, mentors and those that influence those young minds that failure is a part of the process that leads to success. That when you experience failure it is a learning opportunity on the things you need to do better. People need to view it as a fluid state that it does not mean its final or that its fatal. You always can bounce back by choosing to rise up to the challenge.
Have a supportive environment
Find an environment that fosters the type of thinking that values failure and it doesn't have to be a physical one. With the power and accessibility of the internet, things are just so much more at people’s disposal than ever before. The thing that you can do to see failure as a friend is to rewire that self-talk that reminds you that it’s just a part of the process. It is a learning opportunity to see where you came up short. It's an opportunity for figuring things out that is going to be beneficial later on.
If you look at extremely high achievers like Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Tom Brady, these are all people that experienced failure early on and they all responded very well but what they had in common was a very loving and supporting environment and it helped them be strong. When Michael Jordan did not make the varsity high school basketball team, he came home crying, upset that he didn't make the team and his mom just comforted him, cried along with him and told him it’s OK, that he’ll bounce back from this if he is willing to work hard for it. And he immediately did, always practicing. This fueled him to get better.
Kobe Bryant in a summer basketball league when he was about 10 or 11 years old did not make one single shot and his father just comforted him telling him it doesn't matter if he scored a single point that he still loved him no matter what. He got to practicing right away being very vigilant in doing the little things better and this set the foundation for his work ethic.
Tom Brady was replaced in college several times by a more talented teammate even though Tom performed better and under clutch situations. He also waited for his name to be called on draft day watching in agony not knowing if he would be selected. Both his parents were by his side to console him and just be there to support him in his time of need. And when Tom got to training camp, he went up Robert Kraft, the owner of the New England Patriots, and said “I’m Tom Brady and I’m the best decision you ever made”. What they all had was loving and supportive parents that helped them in a time that was crucial for the path that they each took.
You would be surprised how many people do not have this type of support that affects how they go about their lives. A good support system is there to care for you in your times of need and is not the same as trying to fix things for you. Ultimately it is up to the person who is going through the hardships to do something about it.
Embrace failure
When you decide to embrace failure the way you view the world will change completely that transforms your life. A world of opportunity will just open up all around you that's going to invigorate you to truly enjoy life and the journey along the way. You will no longer be bound by limitations, but you will be continuously pushing yourself to do more and be more. Failure is just there to remind you of things that you need to refine before you take on bigger things that entail more responsibility. Fail early to get a lot of the kinks out before you have more to lose. It will help develop the hunger and resourcefulness inside you.
The quicker you come to embrace failure, the better acclimated you become to the struggles that will come your way. And make no mistake about it, struggle will always be present but that is the foundation for growth. You condition yourself to what is difficult and that keeps you in the mental frame of mind of bring it on. The harder it is the more energy you’ll have to go at it. And the times when you're able to do things with such ease you become bored and unsatisfied that makes you restless, and you'll continuously challenge yourself pushing your boundaries that transforms you into so much more. Eventually you'll come to enjoy everything that goes along with growth that you crave it to the point where it is not all about reaching your goals. Goals will still be present, but they'll be seen more as a milestone along the way.
If you think about a roller coaster ride, is the whole purpose of the ride to reach the end or is it all about enjoying everything from the anticipation of what you're about to experience to the whole ride along the way? It is further empowering yourself to live life on your terms. That you do things simply because it is what you desire and not what others expect of you. In a nutshell you live free to reach new heights that is going to improve how well you experience life.
Final thoughts
Know that failure is by your side as a coach. While at times you may view it in a disdainful way, just know that it’s to better you through helping you realize the mistakes and the areas of improvement that you need to work on. The purpose is not to put you down, but to build you up and sometimes that’s done by knocking down your ego. It's not so much tearing you down but trying to prevent your ego from thinking you know it all. Sometimes people can be the biggest threat to themselves because they do not realize what they don't know that gets them hurt and failure is just there to remind them of things they need to pay attention to so they can succeed at whatever they choose to do.
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